A Collection of 100 Funny Quotes
Laughter is the lingua franca that needs no interpreters and bridges gaps. In a world like ours, which seems almost too weighty at times, there is nothing better than some good laughter to make one forget all about it. Funny quotes have this way of lightening our mood and reminding us not to take life so seriously. Whether it be some urbane piece of observation, some clever one-liner, or some downright comedic distortion of everyday situations, funny quotes never fail to raise your spirits.
1. “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” – Tommy Cooper
2. “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.” – Unknown
3. “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Unknown
4. “I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.” – Unknown
5. “Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!” – Unknown
6. “I would avoid the sushi if I were you. It’s a little fishy.” – Unknown
7. “I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.” – Unknown
8. “I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me Kit-Kat ads.” – Unknown
9. “The problem with candy is that it’s bad for you. The solution is to eat more candy.” – Unknown
10. “I’m not lazy, I’m just in energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
11. “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.” – Unknown
12. “I’m a huge fan of whiteboards. They’re re-markable!” – Unknown
13. “I’m not short, I’m just more down to earth than other people.” – Unknown
14. “I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.” – Unknown
15. “I’m a firm believer in the law of attraction. I’ve been attracted to a lot of food lately.” – Unknown
16. “I’m writing a book on reverse psychology. Please don’t buy it.” – Unknown
17. “If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Unknown
18. “Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.” – Unknown
19. “I’m not great at math, but I know that two wrongs don’t make a right – but three rights make a left.” – Unknown
20. “My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.” – Unknown
21. “I’m on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days.” – Unknown
22. “The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Unknown
23. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” – Earl Wilson
24. “I’m not sure how I feel about this. It’s a ‘no’ for me, but it’s also a ‘maybe’.” – Unknown
25. “My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry.” – Unknown
26. “I have a split personality,” said Tom, being Frank.” – Unknown
27. “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” – Unknown
28. “I’m not fat, I’m just easier to see.” – Unknown
29. “My goal this weekend is to move just enough so people know I’m not dead.” – Unknown
30. “I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the wall gets in the way.” – Unknown
31. “I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Unknown
32. “Sometimes I think I’m allergic to mornings.” – Unknown
33. “I’m not procrastinating. I’m doing side quests.” – Unknown
34. “I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.” – Unknown
35. “If you were any more in shape, you’d be a circle.” – Unknown
36. “I’m not weird. I’m just limited edition.” – Unknown
37. “I’m not lazy. I’m just on energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
38. “I don’t need a hair stylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.” – Unknown
39. “I’m not old. I’m just well-seasoned.” – Unknown
40. “Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.” – Unknown
41. “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” – Tommy Cooper
42. “I’m not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.” – Unknown
43. “I told my computer I needed a break, and it gave me a Kit-Kat ad.” – Unknown
44. “Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.” – Unknown
45. “I’m not arguing. I’m just passionately expressing my viewpoint.” – Unknown
46. “If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m having a parent-teacher conference.” – Unknown
47. “I’m not short. I’m just more down to earth than most people.” – Unknown
48. “I’m not good at math, but I know that two wrongs don’t make a right. But three rights make a left.” – Unknown
49. “Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!” – Unknown
50. “If you can’t convince them, confuse them.” – Harry S. Truman
51. “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.” – Unknown
52. “The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” – Oscar Wilde
53. “I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Unknown
54. “I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.” – Unknown
55. “My brain is like a web browser. I have 19 tabs open, 3 of them are frozen, and I don’t know where the music is coming from.” – Unknown
56. “I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
57. “I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.” – Unknown
58. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
59. “I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the wall gets in the way.” – Unknown
60. “Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired.” – Unknown
61. “I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.” – Unknown
62. “I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome.” – Unknown
63. “I’m not weird. I’m just limited edition.” – Unknown
64. “I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.” – Unknown
65. “I’m on a diet, but I’m also on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.” – Unknown
66. “If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Unknown
67. “I have a split personality,” said Tom, being Frank.” – Unknown
68. “I’m not procrastinating. I’m doing side quests.” – Unknown
69. “My goal this weekend is to move just enough so people know I’m not dead.” – Unknown
70. “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.” – Unknown
71. “I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the wall gets in the way.” – Unknown
72. “Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.” – Unknown
73. “I’m not lazy. I’m just on energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
74. “I don’t need a hair stylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.” – Unknown
75. “If you can’t convince them, confuse them.” – Harry S. Truman
76. “I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.” – Unknown
77. “My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry.” – Unknown
78. “I’m not sure if I’m hungry or just bored. Either way, I’m eating.” – Unknown
79. “I’m not old. I’m just well-seasoned.” – Unknown
80. “I’m not lazy, I’m just in energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
81. “I’m not arguing. I’m just passionately expressing my viewpoint.” – Unknown
82. “I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.” – Unknown
83. “I’m on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days.” – Unknown
84. “I’m not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.” – Unknown
85. “My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.” – Unknown
86. “I’m not short, I’m just more down to earth than most people.” – Unknown
87. “Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.” – Unknown
88. “I’m not lazy, I’m just in energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
89. “I’m a huge fan of whiteboards. They’re re-markable!” – Unknown
90. “My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.” – Unknown
91. “I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Unknown
92. “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.” – Unknown
93. “I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me Kit-Kat ads.” – Unknown
94. “I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.” – Unknown
95. “I’m not short, I’m just concentrated awesome.” – Unknown
96. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” – Earl Wilson
97. “I’m not lazy. I’m just on my energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
98. “The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Unknown
99. “If you can’t convince them, confuse them.” – Harry S. Truman
100. “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” – Unknown
Laughter indeed is the best medicine, and how more so than with a belly full of 100 funny quotes? From witty one-liners to clever puns, these quotes are sure to fire up your funny bone and put a smile right on your face. Whether one is lightening up the situation or just sharing a belly laugh with the buddies, these quotes manifest that sometimes a single good laugh can really transform any day. Spread on the good vibes and remember, at times, it only takes a dash of good humor to brighten up your day.
You can also try digging more on online quote databases, social media, and humor sites. Books, comedy acts, or even some very good material in popular TV shows or movies are likewise a good source.
Funny quotes, in bits, on your blog or website can help keep the readers engaged, adding a character to the content. Proper attribution will have to be done, and no copyrighted material is used without permission.
Most of the funny quotes fall under public domains, especially those of unknown authors. Still, copyrighted works-of which some quotes are a part-are products for which permission should be elicited in order to be used. Always look at the source and attribution of the quote to be used to make sure that you respect the copyright laws.
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